


Time and the Hurt Within

by Alittlefandominmylife



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2017-12-20 21:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alittlefandominmylife/pseuds/Alittlefandominmylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin's wedding is called off at the last minute, Arthur Pendragon steps in as best man to save him. The two lean on each other for support and encouragement as Merlin mourns for his loss and Arthur loves him unconditionally. Merlin must find a way to ease his heart before the pain of grief consumes him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daffodils and Denial

**Author's Note:**

> A study in the five stages of grief. 
> 
> If you have comments/ thoughts/ constructive criticism you know what to do!
> 
> Also- I'm not leaving it to die, it's just been sort of... erased from my hard drive with the rest of my files so I have to start over on the last chapter.  
> I love you. I'm so sorry.

It was mid morning and Merlin was nervous. Freya would be walking down the grassy aisle in a vision of white as soon as the wedding started and he’d be there waiting for her and trying to remember his vows.  


They’d set up the little spot the day before and earlier that morning, installing rows of white folding chairs to the green forest landscape. There was a large arbor of white lattice crowned in a warm yellow coloured tulle that would frame them as they said their vows. Hunith had cried when she saw it, sending off her only son to start a new life, but she knew they’d be around often. Arthur hadn’t cried. He refused to cry for his loss when Merlin was going to be so happy in this next phase of life. Everything looked great and last night just before Freya and her family had left there had been a tender moment between the bride and groom to be, sharing a kiss on the spot that would be so sacred the next day.  


The first guests were starting to arrive and soon the car with his bride-to-be would show up too. Merlin would stand there with her in front of the people they’d asked to come along and they would be the two happiest people in the world. At this moment though, everything was spinning in his head.  


“Did we set up the candle?” he asked Arthur who was waiting with him in a tent behind the arbor they would be married under and assured him that everything would be fine.  


“Do you have the ring?” Merlin asked and pulled his tie around his neck sloppily. Again, Arthur assured him that everything would be alright though he was quiet and reserved.  


“She’s going to be a beautiful bride, isn’t she?” he grinned and let Arthur fix his tie. He’d always been the more fashionable of the two anyway.  


“Of course she will, Merlin. You’re both going to be perfect.” Arthur assured him though his heart was breaking. When Merlin had asked him to be best man, he’d said yes without a thought because he knew he’d be needed and because every man should be able to call on his best friend for something so important. It was only Arthur’s bad luck that he’d never have the privilege. Fixing Merlin’s tie into a trinity knot he smiled up at him reassuringly. “Everything is going to be perfect.”  


“Thank you, Arthur. You’ve been stellar.” Merlin said with a smile and hugged him tightly. “I owe you one.” He grinned and released him, taking a deep breath. As his watch turned to 10:50 he looked around nervously. “We’re supposed to be starting in a few minutes… Have they gotten here?” he asked.  


“I’ll run check.” Arthur said and slipped out of the tent, glad to have a few moments where he wouldn’t be under observation from the man he loved and was about to let go. Finding Hunith proved to be a challenge as he looked through the guests. She’d greeted each of them and was smiling from ear to ear. “Have you heard from Freya? Or her father?” he asked and she shook her head. “You’ll let us know as soon as you can though, right?” Hunith nodded with a proud smile and Arthur returned to the tent.  


“Anything?” Merlin asked nervously, two minutes before eleven.  


“Not yet. Don’t worry. There must be traffic. You’re late all the time. Let this be payback.” He teased and watched Merlin pace back and forth. Arthur couldn’t see how any girl could be late for her wedding. Didn’t they start planning them when they learned to talk? Still, it probably wasn’t Freya’s fault. Sighing he shook his head and fixed another cup of tea. “Here. Drink up. Relax. She’ll be here.”  


“What if she’s changed her mind? What if she’s found someone better?”  


“Merlin, listen to me. There is no one better on this whole big planet. I’m sure it’s just traffic or something. Maybe she’s had to fix her mascara.” He said, knowing how women often cried at weddings. This seemed to be a comfort to Merlin and he stopped pacing for a bit before resuming with the same worried expression. Arthur rolled his eyes and sipped his own cup of tea, nervous for Merlin.  


“The guests…” he said a few moments later.  


“Don’t worry about them. They’re just waiting.”  


“Yeah, but they might leave.”  


“If they do they’re stupid.” Arthur said and put down his tea, crossing his arms over his chest. Checking his watch he sighed. “I’ll find your mum again.” He said and walked out again. Ten minutes late, and they’d had no word from anyone in the bridal party. Arthur was starting to get nervous as well and he shook his head.  


“You don’t think she’s changed her mind do you?” Hunith whispered.  


“Of course not. You’ve seen the way they’re in love.” Arthur defended, though he knew that if Freya had changed her mind, he’d gladly take her place under Merlin’s affections.  


“You’re right, Arthur. Of course you are. I’m glad Merlin has a friend like you.” she said and pulled him into a hug and then smoothed over his lapels and straightened his boutonniere. 

“Best go and tend to him. He’ll have that tie of his mussed again if you don’t.” she smiled and he left to attend to Merlin.  


“Well?” Merlin asked and pulled the phone away from his face. He’d been trying to get in touch with someone- anyone- about the wedding.  


“Nothing yet. Here, give me that.” Arthur said and pulled the phone out of Merlin’s hand. “She’s probably got hers turned off or in her purse or something. They don’t exactly made wedding dresses with pockets.” He pointed out and turned when there was a cleared throat at the opening of the tent. “Gwaine.” He said with a smile and walked over. “Have you heard anything about the bride?” He asked and stepped outside the tent.  


Gwaine shook his head and bit his lip. “We are having a wedding today, aren’t we?” he asked nervously. “I mean, none of her family is here and her maid of honor…”  


“She doesn’t have much family. Just her sister and her father and they’re supposed to be in the car with her.” Arthur explained in hushed tones.  


“You don’t think she…”  


“No. No I don’t. She loves him and he feels the same the idiot. She’ll be here.” He said confidently and the phone in his pocket went off. “Hello? Freya? What’s going on?” he asked tersely and turned away, ducking his head a little to hear better.  


“Mr. Emrys?” came a man’s voice.  


“This is his best man. Who is this? What’s going on?”  


“Sir, this is Sergeant O’Neil of the metropolitan police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident…”  


Arthur paled and took another step away from the tent so that Merlin wouldn’t hear. Gwaine looked at him worriedly, but kept quiet. “Go on.”  


“The car that Miss Freya was in was hit by a car with faulty brakes. The man and the younger girl are in the ambulance, but… I’m afraid… the young lady didn’t survive the accident.” The man said. Arthur stood in a shocked silence for a few minutes and nodded. He closed the phone without another word and turned to Gwaine.

“We’re not having a wedding. They’ve been in an accident. Tell Hunith and… I’ve got to tell Merlin.” He said quietly and felt the blood drain from his face. “He’s going to be crushed.” He whispered and looked to Gwaine for support. The man gave him a quick pat on the shoulder and left to find Percy and tell Hunith what had happened.  


Arthur steeled himself and ducked into the tent, finding a very nervous Merlin. “What’s going on? I thought I heard my phone ringing. Was that Freya? Is she on her way?” he asked, looking somewhat desperate.  


“Merlin, have a seat.” Arthur said in a tone that was naturally commanding, yet gentle enough to make Merlin do as he was told without complaint. As his friend sat down in the chair and looked up at him in confusion. “Merlin, there is no easy way for me to tell you this, and I wish you never had to hear it, honest I do. Especially not… especially not on your wedding day.” He said and knelt down at Merlin’s feet. The dark haired man looked at him worriedly, thinking that Freya had changed her mind and found someone she loved more or simply decided she didn’t love him enough to spend the rest of her life with him.  


“Freya was in an accident on her way over. They were just a few miles away and everyone’s not okay.” He said hesitantly. “I’m afraid she’s not going to make it, Merlin. Freya was killed in the accident. I’m… I’m so, so sorry.” He whispered and put his hand on top of Merlin’s, giving it a gentle squeeze and waiting for him to react.  


“No… no, there has to be a mistake. Who told you?” he asked and his voice cracked.  


“There was a policeman who found your phone number. I guess he saw how many times you’d tried to call and figured it was important.” He said and looked up at Merlin’s now glassy eyes. “I’m so sorry. I wish this had never happened.” He said gently and bit his lip as he looked up at Merlin worriedly.  


“She’s not… Arthur… what do I do?” Merlin asked with long pauses in between his words as visibly deflated.  


“You… you let me take care of it. I’m your best man. I’ll tell your guests and arrange for things. You can stay with me for a while.” Arthur promised and pulled Merlin into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered again and kissed his forehead.  


“We were going to be married. I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. I had a honeymoon planned and a house and… Arthur…” he sobbed and clung to his best friend, crying for his love and for all they could have had together.  


“I know. I’m so sorry.” Arthur whispered and stroked his hair.  


“I was going to have kids with her and we were going to travel…”  


“I know… I know. I’m so, so sorry.” He said remorsefully and held him tighter, rocking him back and forth. Outside there were guests whispering and giving their condolences to Hunith who must have broken the news to them. Arthur couldn’t care less about them though. Merlin was hurting and he had to find a way to help him. “I’ve got you, I’m so sorry.” He whispered and Merlin wailed.  


“Arthur… she’s not hurt anyone! She’s never done anything to anyone!” he said and clutched Arthur’s chest, pricking his finger on the corsage pin that held the daffodil honoring Freya’s Welsh heritage in place. He pulled his hand away and Arthur pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket to stop the bleeding. He pulled the off the cheery yellow flower and tossed it on the table, doing the same with Merlin’s.  


“It’s alright. Let it all out.” Arthur said and rubbed his back as Merlin fell into a state of silent shock. He simply couldn’t cry anymore and there wasn’t anything to be done about it. Realization of his helplessness was slowly closing in on him and the overwhelming desire to fight it had turned swiftly into loneliness.  


The guests were leaving, some coming by to support him like Lancelot and Gwen or Percy and Gwaine and Leon. The fairytale looking site was turning out to be more of a deserted party, forlorn and dejected by those who’d once sought happiness within its bounds.  


Hunith came into the tent and Arthur surrendered his position as protector to her and walked outside. He really needed some air. His heart ached for Merlin. He’d never wanted to see him in this kind of pain. That was why he’d become the best man in the first place, wasn’t it? So that everything would go perfectly and Merlin’s day would be flawless; because if he couldn’t give him his life, he could at least give him this. And now that had been robbed of his best friend and they were going to have to work hard to fix it.  


Many of the people who had been close to Merlin and Freya had stayed to help clean up. They had begun to fold the chairs and tidy up, which was helpful and greatly appreciated, but it added a certain solemnity that Arthur wasn’t sure Merlin could take. “Please, can we…” he began and everyone turned to him. “Thank you all for your help and consideration. If you could though, just wait… just a moment. If we can get him out of here first, I think that would be best.” He said and they nodded. Arthur thought that as long as they were going to help, he might as well offer them the food for the reception. The remaining guests went over to the other tent and the tables of food there, mostly to the bar to take a couple of shots and clear their heads.  


Arthur spent half an hour talking to friends before Hunith called for him. He excused himself and returned to the tent, talking with her just outside. “How is he?”  


“I don’t know, Arthur. He’s so heartbroken. She was his whole world.” Hunith said with red eyes. Arthur nodded in understanding and rubbed the back of his neck. “I think he needs to go home. I can take care of all this and cancel their plans if you’ll take him home, Arthur. I know I can trust you to look after him.” She said and he nodded.  


“Of course. Call us when you can.” He said and leaned down to kiss her cheek before ducking into the tent. “Merlin?” he called softly. For a man who was always so full of happiness and life, he looked so… broken.  


“Merlin, come on. Let’s get you home.” He said and walked over to him. Merlin shook his head and sat still, trying to process what was next. “Yes. Come on now. You and I are going back to my flat and you’re going to get a shower and some food and some sleep.” He said and hauled his friend to his feet. He wrapped his arm around Merlin’s waist, feeling the warmth of his body though their tuxes. They carefully made their way to the door and Merlin took a deep breath, pulling away from Arthur.  


“I can do it.” He said and walked out of the tent with Arthur close behind as they crossed the painfully bare ceremony site. Merlin walked a little hunched over and his eyes were red, but he managed to reach the car with less trouble than one might expect and climbed inside. Arthur got in beside him and started the car, letting the engine idle for a moment as he adjusted the temperature and turned off the radio. They pulled away from the site and toward Arthur’s apartment, riding along silently.  


They reached the flat half an hour later and Arthur tugged Merlin out of the car along with his suitcase for the honeymoon. After all, he’d need clothes. Unlocking the door, Arthur felt Merlin leaning against him for support and he wrapped an arm around his waist. “Come on. Shower, change clothes, a little bit to eat, and then bed.” He said, laying out the plan to take care of his friend.  


Merlin let himself be led around the flat, stuck in the shower, and dressed in pajamas. Arthur had him sitting at the bar in the kitchen eating a muffin when he spoke again.  


“You’re a good friend, Arthur.”  


“So are you, Merlin.”  


“You didn’t have to do this…”  


“No, perhaps not. But I wanted to, and you deserve someone to help you.” Arthur assured him and Merlin fell silent again.  


“Thank you.” he said after a bit and pushed the wrapper away from him.  


“You’re welcome.” Arthur assured him and nodded toward his bedroom. “It’s all ready for you. Go get some rest.” He said and Merlin obediently walked to the bedroom and curled up in Arthur’s bed to sleep. Arthur cleaned up the room and called Hunith, Gwaine, and Lancelot before he called the police and inquired about the status of the rest of the family. When all the business of this mess had been taken care of, he sat down on the couch and sighed. Head in his hands and elbows on his knees he couldn’t help but think that if a person like Merlin didn’t get happiness out of life that it must be impossible. Arthur looked at the closed door to his room and shook his head.  


“I love you, idiot. I’m so sorry.”


	2. Rosemary for Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second 'stage' of coping with grief is anger. Anger can take many forms from an outward display to self loathing. Merlin struggles to resume a normal lifestyle as he deals with his emotions.

 

The funeral was a small and short affair. Many of the wedding guests had come, but even that had only been about a hundred people. They talked about how kind and how dear to everyone Freya had been and there were tears all around. Merlin and Hunith sat with the family and people came to comfort them as much as they could. They told quick stories of what little things Freya had done to make herself special in their eyes, often getting some of the rosemary smell from their boutonnieres or corsages onto their own clothes as they hugged each member of the family. It had begun to drizzle at the end of the ceremony and Merlin stayed longer than anyone else. Freya’s sister was still weak form the accident so her father had to take her home. Hunith was more than willing to wait with her son, but Merlin wasn’t going to be able to say his goodbye with her watching and he asked her to go. Arthur held her in a warm hug for a long time and promised Hunith and Freya’s father and sister that he’d watch out for Merlin and that it was most important that they stay well. His diplomacy was really incredibly valuable at the moment, though he wished it was also incredibly unnecessary. 

Arthur stood at the edge of the family plot where Freya would be buried beside her mother under a weeping willow. He stood tight lipped with worry lines etched on his brow and waited for Merlin. He never said anything about all the food that they threw out because people were kind enough to remember them when they made casseroles and trays of veggies or cheeses. He never said anything about the tears that were constantly in Merlin’s eyes, nor the way he slept so poorly when he managed to drift off at all. Arthur understood that it was too soon for Merlin to move on. He needed time to mourn Freya’s death and to miss her and all the things that could have been. He needed a way to vent out all the feelings he had trapped inside himself and the best Arthur could do was encourage him. Arthur encouraged him to write music and draw and play a sport. He encouraged Merlin to eat and sleep and to talk about how he felt. Arthur meant well and he did some good, helping ease Merlin through the process of losing someone he loved, but all the encouragement in the world wasn’t enough to make him feel whole again.

They sold the house about a month after the funeral- the one that Merlin had bought just outside the city limits and Freya had decorated and they’d turned into a home for after the wedding. Arthur had gone with him to collect the things he wanted to keep, clothes, books, old vinyl records and the turntable and a few other little things. The rest went with the house and they got a good price for it. Better than Arthur had expected it to fetch. It was good for Merlin though, giving him back the money he’d spent on it and a little more considering how nicely it had been fixed up. Merlin needed a new place to stay so he moved in with Arthur and it seemed to do well. Arthur could keep a protective eye on him and Merlin had a place to call home that was out of his mum’s house to keep his pride intact. He was even paying some of the rent though Arthur had said it wasn’t necessary considering he’d been paying for the spare bedroom all along. Merlin wouldn’t hear of it though and every month without fail he left a check on the kitchen counter. 

He wasn’t happy these days. Of course that was natural, but Merlin didn’t smile enough. He barely smiled at all. The guys would invite him to go out for drinks or come over to watch a film and things just wouldn’t click with Merlin. His face was always dour and it was a constant reminder of his pain when he looked in a mirror. Merlin got upset easily and the cause didn’t really matter. Anything from the coffee being less than perfect or people on the roads not using turn signals would have him in a torrent of anger. He was touchy and irritable, not able to take any sort of teasing or joking when it related to him or relationships whether it be in the conversation or the film they were watching. There had been more than one occasion of Merlin storming out of the room and slamming the door to conceal the rest of his anger from his friends.

It wasn’t just hard on Merlin though. Leon, Lance, Percival and Gwaine were getting tired or dealing with him. His waspish remarks were hard to take even for those with the most patience and the most caring of hearts. They were still friends and they still loved him, but it was difficult on the days where everyone around could see Merlin was stewing over something and about to boil over at any moment. But they were all the greatest friends anyone could ask for and continued to invite him out, knowing that it would be worse for Merlin to live at work or cooped up in his bedroom. Merlin always needed to be persuaded to come along, but it was worth it when they could see him easing up on his hatred for the world at moments.

One night when they had been able to take Merlin to a pub, things had looked really good. Merlin had gotten home from work and had a less guilty expression on his face he’d told Arthur privately that he’d been looking forward to going out with the guys that night. There was a sneaking smile playing on Merlin’s lips and while it wasn’t as strong as it could have been, Arthur was glad of it. Of course they had a few drinks and though Merlin’s laugh didn’t spread to his eyes like it used to he was still there, seeming to enjoy the atmosphere. They talked about work and family and Gwaine’s string of one night stands and Merlin was fine with all of it. He even volunteered to get the table a round of drinks and walked to the bar. While he was gone, the conversation turned to more serious relationships. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve given in already? You weren’t supposed to buy a ring for months.” Gwaine said to Lance and the latter blushed faintly.

“Well… Gwen’s special.” Lance said with a shrug and that was about the gist of it. Lance had loved her since the first time they’d met and while Gwen had her eye toward someone else at the time, Lance soon found his way to her heart and they’d been nearly inseparable since.

“You’re going to ask her soon, aren’t you?” Arthur asked with a smile, happy to see one of his friends getting their life in the right direction.

“Yeah, probably. Sometime this summer. Nothing too fancy though. I just want it to be nice without it being too much.” Lance said and nodded.

“She’s got you whipped.” Gwaine said and shoved him gently, though it was all good natured fun. “You’ll be cleaning house and helping with dinner and soon you’ll have babies to take care of and you’ll have to be responsible.”

“Lance has always been responsible.” Leon reminded him with a smile. “Compared to you especially.”

“Well, yeah. Where’s the fun in that?” Gwaine asked and rolled his eyes. “I mean really, who wants to be stuck and tied down? You have to keep on the move. On the prowl. I don’t know how anyone can settle down and find someone to spend a lifetime with.” He said just as Merlin walked up. He looked somewhat flushed and bit the inside of his lip the way a person did when they were trying to keep from saying too much.

“It’s not such a bad idea I think.” Merlin said and Lance nodded in agreement, though the smiles were all gone. It had only been about four full months since Freya had been gone and Merlin couldn’t help but feel like this was defending her.

“Maybe for you mate, but not me. No sir! I’m a free agent.” Gwaine said and didn’t catch the warning look in Arthur’s eye because he’d had so much to drink. Not that he’d ever say anything to really hurt Merlin, he was just dangerously close to tapping some reserve of sore feelings that would get Merlin riled. “I can have whatever strikes my fancy and you blokes are crazy.” He said lightly and Merlin got angry.

“Well maybe if you’d grow up a little you’d understand you great pillock.” Merlin snarled and Percy did his best to subtly intervene as he elbowed Gwaine to shut up. “You know what? Having someone to be there for you and listen and love you and share all sorts of little things is great.” Merlin said and his tone rose.

“You wouldn’t know! You don’t know anything about it!” He told Gwaine in an almost explosive manner. “You’ve never fucking had anyone you cared about enough to think of anything but how often you could get off with them. You’re a fucking idiot, Gwaine. You have no idea what it’s like to have someone you’d give the world for.” He hissed. 

“Merlin, I don’t think he-” Lance started, trying to calm them before every single one of the people in the pub started to stare and Merlin glared at him too as he cut off his sentence.

“I know exactly what he meant. He thinks that we’re no good because we want something out of life! He thinks that he’s better than us because he can’t get attached and he doesn’t want to be and his heart will _never_ be broken. He will never know what it’s like to lose someone he loves because he doesn’t fucking know what it’s even like. And you know what? Sod this. Sod all of you. This is such shite.” He said and slammed their drinks down before he stormed out of the pub leaving them with a rude two fingered gesture.

The friends looked between one another in shock and then at Arthur.

“Is he always this angry?” Lance asked with a hurt expression.

 Arthur took a deep breath and nodded before getting up. “Yeah, but some days he bottles it up better than others. He’s just… It’s still really hard for him.” He said and looked out the window, feeling Merlin’s pain in his own heart. There was nothing like feeling as though the person you loved was slipping away from you. “I’ll take care of it.” 

“I’m sorry.” Gwaine said and looked guilty. “Tell him that?”

Arthur nodded and picked put down some bills before heading out of the pub to find Merlin. It didn’t take long as he was just one street down trying to get himself to the flat. Arthur walked up beside him and Merlin didn’t acknowledge his presence. Arthur didn’t press. He knew that Merlin was still hurting and that the wounds were still fresh and his anger was just part of the road to a better place. Eventually they got back to the flat and Merlin crashed onto the couch with a huff.

“He didn’t mean anything by it.” Arthur told Merlin.

“Don’t you take his side too.” Merlin warned.

“I’m not taking sides with either of you. You were both wrong.” Arthur said simply and walked over to the couch, glad Merlin didn’t retreat to his room though he was still fuming.

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“No, he doesn’t. And he’s pretty pissed. But he’s your friend and he didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“That doesn’t help.” Merlin said and Arthur was glad to hear that his tone was more even.

“Merlin, you can’t be angry at people forever.” Arthur said quietly.

“I’m not angry at him. I’m… I’m angry at me.” He said quietly after some time of silence.

“I know. But you’re not to blame either.”

“I feel like I am.”

“That’s because you’re still hurting. You’ll get past this too. You’ve got to realize that your friends aren’t against you though. You can’t keep pushing them away.” Arthur said as he recalled all the times Merlin had gotten so angry over even the smallest of things.

“How do I…” Merlin began and there were tears in his eyes because even with his anger and pain he could see that his grief was tearing him apart.

“I can’t say that I know. Maybe a councilor? Maybe just some time to think before you act? I dunno.” Arthur admitted and Merlin nodded. He pulled himself up and ran a hand though his hair.

“I think I’m going to turn in.” Merlin said and Arthur gave him a nod and told him goodnight, watching him go to his room to take a shower and get some rest. Arthur stayed on the couch for a while and answered texts from the guys to let him know that Merlin was going to be fine. In the early hours of the morning he got up and looked over at Merlin’s room sorrowfully before turning to go to bed.

“I love you, idiot. I’m so sorry.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to everyone who's read this and left Kudos and comments! You're all fantastic and lovely and I'd never expected things to go so well, so thank you. 
> 
> Second, I suppose I should give my little disclaimer: This has not been beta'd or britpicked, so there are probably errors and I apologize for that before writing the rest of it. This is also the first time I've written any sort of... well anything but essays I guess, so if I make myself sound like an idiot- apologies. 
> 
> And again, thanks for reading! Comments/ feedback and all is greatly appreciated :D


	3. Forget Me Nots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin enters the bargaining stage of grief and does many of the things that he and Freya were planning to do together so that she would be proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Darlings! Sorry about the hiatus but I've just moved into my dorm and as a gift for your patience, I have one chapter to offer to you. Enjoy! As always, comments and thoughts are lovely.

 

A month and a half after the pub incident Merlin let go of his stubborn attitude and found a support group. It worked wonders for him, just being able to find a place with people who understood how he felt. Arthur was wonderful to talk to of course, but the people in his group were well mixed and they _got it_. He often talked to a man who’d lost his wife about a year ago and he could sympathize with Merlin. Even if he and Freya had never been married, the man knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. There was a young girl there about Merlin’s age named Jenna who’d lost her best friend and she and Merlin were able to discuss the difficulty of moving on and trying to do thing with their lives while they didn’t have the luxury of retirement. They had to earn their keep in the world and the work force wasn’t always pleased with hearing that they were having a bad day. People still needed their shifts covered and an employee who was often missing or in a foul mood wasn’t exactly a company asset.

The group was a place for Merlin to go when he though he couldn’t ask anyone for help. They were friends and he knew that he could talk to them about what he was going through when even Arthur couldn’t help. They talked about all sorts of things and though many of their friends had suggested they try a date together, they both knew that wouldn’t work. They knew too much about how broken one another had been and they knew that beyond that brokenness the bond between them was thin. Not to mention Merlin wasn’t ready to move on. He’d only had what? Six months? He’d not even made it through a year anniversary. There was no way he was ready to devote his life to another person. He wasn’t through devoting it to Freya.

Merlin had a list of things he and Freya had planned to do and he sat down one afternoon and decided that yes, he would take on that list and yes, he would live again. He’d live the life Freya would have shared with him. He’d go to the lake and he’d go out with the guys. He’d spend time volunteering and get promotions at work. He’d find his own house and start the charity they’d been trying to pull together. He would plant a garden and line the edges with forget-me-nots and read more books. Everything he did was for her. It was always ‘Freya would have wanted’ this or ‘Freya and I had always planned’ that and that mentality was slowly but surely wearing him down tiny slivers at a time.

The surprising thing was that he was somewhat successful. Merlin managed to go out with the guys on a regular basis and they were all proud of him for being able to live and enjoy life again. He worked hard and chased after promotions, though they were sparsely offered. He went with Gwen to the food bank every other weekend and the others were often spent with Morgana working on plans for the use of her trust fund.

Considering Morgana’s parents had died when she was very young, had Uther not been there she would have had no place to go. And the idea that other children were not as fortunate as her made Morgana want to do something about it. So she did. She planned to buy a house and staff it with a man and woman she’d been contacted by who were interested in the project. They’d never had children of their own, but a children’s home seemed like a wonderful idea. Not only that, but Uther had been so impressed with the idea that he found a business partner to help back the investiture. The plans were going well of course, but it was a very high stress job keeping up with Morgana.

Arthur watched as Merlin made something of himself again. Merlin would complete a project and he and Arthur would celebrate. He’d get a promotion at work and Arthur would be there to congratulate him first. He still talked to Merlin’s mum every now and then, bragging on the man whom he so dearly loved, hiding his affection from the rest of the world. Of course she had a mother’s intuition and knew about Arthur’s love and devotion to Merlin. She’d ask how Arthur was doing and how bachelor life was treating him. They both knew better than to push Merlin into a relationship, but Hunith provided insight that Arthur needed to keep his hopes of Merlin’s full recovery going strong. Hunith was of course proud of her son, and glad that he was actively doing things again. His name was starting to pop up in social circles alongside Morgana’s as they took on the world and all its flaws.

When Merlin started to get invitations to events addressed to him specifically, Arthur decided he needed a new suit. After all, now that he was raising awareness for Morgana’s projects, someone would take him shopping and he might as well be there to see Merlin standing there being fitted for something that would make him look bloody spectacular. Merlin protested initially, but went along with his best friend and didn’t complain; at least not too much.

“Arthur this is silly. I’m going to wear it a total of two times.” Merlin protested as the man kneeling at his feet to mark the hem for the trousers stuck pins in the fabric.

“Merlin, you have three invitations on the kitchen counter. You’re going to get plenty of use out of it.” He said and looked through a rack of ties.

“Yeah but after that…”

“Would you rather show up starkers? Cause your birthday suit is the only other decent suit you’ve got.” Arthur said and Merlin quickly shut up lest the man start to think they were a couple and that Arthur had actually seen him naked. Arthur seemed rather pleased with himself for making Merlin blush like that and grinned at him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Stop looking like such a prat.” Merlin spat as the tailor stood up and helped him get out of the garments without sticking himself with the pins. Arthur however shook his head.

“I don’t think anyone would mistake all this for a prat.” Arthur teased back and tossed Merlin’s jeans and shirt at him to put back on while they waited.

“You’re right. They wouldn’t. Because it would be no mistake.” Merlin said though he was grinning broadly.

“Oi. Watch it or I’ll send Morgana shopping with you next time.” Arthur warned and Merlin rolled his eyes.

“You make that sound like such a terrible thing, but Morgana isn’t so bad. She’s got better taste than you, and you’re gay. You’re supposed to have good taste instinctively.” Merlin teased again and looked over at Arthur.

“Well isn’t that obvious? I can easily say that I’ve never worn the wrong colour belt with my shoes, unlike some people I know.” he said and looked pointedly at Merlin. They continued to tease and nag at one another until the initial stitching had been done and the suit brought out for another fitting. Finally the tailor said that he’d have it ready in three days and the men left the shop to go and join the others at the pub.

 

**_~ ~ ~_ **

****

As their projects had gained more prestige, people were coming to Morgana and Merlin both to see what they could do to help. Granted many of them were looking for a nice tax write off, but the two of them weren’t about to pass up the money. They hosted galas and charity auctions and Morgana had to take Merlin shopping every so often to make sure they would both look their best at the events. Of course, Morgana did all the shining in the spotlight, but Merlin didn’t mind. Arthur would praise him now and again for all his hard work and those little words from him meant a great deal, partly because Arthur was his friend and party because Arthur was a perfectionist who only accepted someone’s very best. It was at one of these parties that Morgana had pulled Merlin to her side and introduced him to a man who was looking for a new accountant.

And that’s how Merlin got the job that kept him out nearly all day and made him work harder than anything in his whole life. He had to cut out going to his support group, but kept in touch with Jenna at Arthur’s insistence. There were many nights Merlin came home late and exhausted, only to be up at the crack of dawn to go again. Arthur could see the potential for a terrible burn out and he tried to warn Merlin, but things never really went to plan.

“Merlin, you’ve got to slow down.” He’d say and Merlin would shake his head and keep running.

“Merlin, you need some R&R.” he warned but Merlin would put in extra hours at the office.

“Merlin, if you don’t stop this, you’re going to work yourself to death.” Arthur told him with lines of worry etched onto his usually pleasant face. Merlin of course wouldn’t listen. Instead he’d try to explain to Arthur that ‘if he could just get this far, he wouldn’t have to go back.’ Merlin continued working and Arthur supported his accomplishments while warning him to slow down and feeling hypocritical because he worked himself nearly to death as well.

In the meantime, Arthur had been dateless for ages. It was Gwaine who said he should really try to find someone and suggested a number of old childhood friends. Elena and Vivian included. Of course, that was quite impossible. Arthur’s heart was waiting patiently to offer itself to someone else and though his affections could not be returned at this time and possibly never would be despite Hunith’s insistence, Arthur couldn’t see himself with anyone else. It would be unfair to both parties and end up with a lost friendship and sore feelings because he was selfish. He went out a few times with both men and women, but there could never be anything past a one night stand and a quick morning escape. He felt as though the longer he spent doing so, the more like ‘Gwaine before Percival’ he became.

It was a Thursday morning when Arthur woke up and got ready to go into the office and found Merlin asleep on the couch. He walked over and shook Merlin’s shoulder with a fond smile. “Good morning sunshine.”

Merlin woke with a start and looked around, relaxing when he saw Arthur standing above him in his suit and tie. “Wh- oh. Hey.” He muttered and rubbed his eyes.

“You’re gunna be late for work.” Arthur warned and moved into the kitchen to scrounge up some breakfast.

“I think I’m gunna take the day off.”

“You feeling alright?” Arthur asked, knowing that Merlin never took a day off though the fact that he was taking a break made him feel a little better.

“Yeah. I just… need a day. I’ll work twice as hard tomorrow and it’ll be fine.” Merlin said and lay back against the couch.

“You know, you can take a few days off and the world won’t come to an end.” Arthur teased.

“No. I’ve got too much to do. I’ve got to get right back.”

“You know how I feel about that…”

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. “Don’t sound so overprotective. People will think you’re my boyfriend.” Merlin teased and Arthur was glad he couldn’t see the blush that spread over his cheeks.  “I’ve just got to get this done.” He said in a more serious tone.

“You know, it’s okay to get rid of some projects. Like the second one at work that you’re helping that guy with? He should be able to do it on his own.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t hurt to help a guy out.” Merlin said and looked over his shoulder at Arthur.

“It does when you’ve already got too much on your plate.” Arthur said sternly before he could realize that he _really_ did sound like an overbearing boyfriend and Merlin looked away. “You just can’t do it all Merlin. I know you try, but this isn’t good for you. You’ll make yourself sick. You hear me?” Merlin stayed quiet for a while and nodded his head. “This is about Freya, isn’t it?” Arthur asked softly.

“I just thought that if I could… If I could do enough to get though this, then I’d be able to move on. I thought that if I took on all the things we’d planned to do, then maybe she’d have been proud of me and I could let go.” Merlin said and curled tighter into himself.

“It doesn’t really work that way, Merlin.” Arthur said and walked around to sit next to him on the couch.

“Yeah but that’s what I’ve got. I’ve got so many things to do before I can be happy.” Merlin said softly before Arthur pulled him into a hug despite Merlin’s reluctance.

“You’ve got to be happy with yourself first. You can’t possibly take on all the roles you’d planned for two people on your own.” He said wisely.

“But what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make it up to her?” Merlin asked, totally burnt out from all the work he’d been doing.

“You’re supposed to live your own life, Merlin. There’s nothing else you can do. Take on a few projects, but not the world. Not all on your own.”

“I feel like I’m letting her down, Arthur.”

“You’re not. She would be so spectacularly proud of you for everything you’ve done, but she’d also want you to live your own life and take breaks every now and then.” He said let his friend go, looking over him to ensure he’d be alright. “You gunna be okay here by yourself?”

“When am I not?” Merlin countered with a small shrug and nodded.

“Okay. You know where to find me.” Arthur said, offering his usual assistance anytime Merlin was feeling bad and left him to think. Arthur ruffled Merlin’s hair and reminded him to call one more time before leaving their flat and heading to work.

 

**_~ ~ ~_ **

****

Arthur thought long and hard about the way he was dealing with Merlin’s situation and realized he was too deeply invested. He’d placed his life on hold, doing the same thing Merlin was. “If I just wait long enough, he’ll see that I’ve been here the whole time” he said to the clean shaven face in the mirror. “If I’m just here for him, he’ll understand that I love him” he said after Merlin had a hard time at work. “If I can just let him see that I care, he’ll love me too” he said and realized that it was a really bad idea to continue living that way.

Arthur couldn’t make Merlin love him. Nor did he want to. He was far more interested in letting Merlin love him in his own time, with his own passion. It took a lot of effort, but Arthur stopped living for someone else. He started doing things with the mindset of ‘because I want to’ rather than ‘because this will be good for Merlin’. For a while he thought it was selfish to think of himself more than Merlin, but he had to be his own person. He realized that he could still be a great friend and have his own life. So that’s what he did. He invited Merlin along most of time and they had great adventures hiking and building bonfires with the guys to celebrate even the smallest of things. It all went spectacularly well and he even started seeing Merlin begin to do the same thing, living more for himself and less for a person who wasn’t able to appreciate their efforts.

Or at least that’s what he thought. Until he found Merlin sitting in the shower in his new suit after a gala, water pouring down onto him and ruining the fabric and the small blue flowers with their tiny golden centers that he wore on his lapel.

 “Merlin? Merlin, what’s wrong?” Arthur asked and turned off the water, looking over at his best friend while his heart broke.

“I… I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Are you sick? Are you hurt?” Arthur asked worriedly.

Merlin shook his head ‘no.’

“What’s going on then. Please tell me.” He said gently and knelt beside him.

“I just…” Merlin was quiet for a minute and Arthur reached out to gently squeeze his shoulder.  “Things didn’t go well. Someone was asking me about things and… Flirting and all. And I just… I thought about her. Everything about her. And how she isn’t here. And how I’d give anything to have her here.” Merlin whispered and let a new wave of tears escape him. “I don’t know what to do… I’m just so tired of pretending to be okay.” He whispered.

Arthur pulled Merlin into his arms, not minding that his crisp white shirt was getting soaked in the process. It wouldn’t hurt anything. He stroked Merlin’s wet hair and held him close, allowing him to just cry. His father had told him long ago that no man was worth his tears, but seeing Merlin like this nearly made Arthur cry as well.

“Arthur I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. I’m so sick of just… everything. I don’t want to do this anymore.” He sobbed and they sat there for a few minutes before Merlin stopped crying for a bit. “’m cold.” He whispered and Arthur helped him up.

“Come on. Get out of those clothes, dry off, I’ll put the kettle on.” Arthur offered. “You gunna be okay?”

Merlin nodded and began to peel off the wet clothes while Arthur went to the kitchen. They met in the living room eventually, Merlin sipping his tea quietly before curling up beside Arthur, using his shoulder for a pillow.

“I’m sorry, Arthur. You don’t need to be bothered with all this.”

“It’s no trouble. Please talk to me anytime.”

“I know you’re here, but sometimes I just think… I dunno. I’m alone. That nobody could possibly love me because of what I’ve become."

Arthur stared at him for a few minutes and pulled Merlin closer, kissing his hair. “I’m so sorry. You idiot. I love you.” 


	4. Bachelor Buttons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self Harm. Skip this chapter if you are sensitive to self harm triggers.
> 
> Also, thank you all for your patience and continued support. There's one more installment left and I hope to have it up in a much shorter amount of time.

“What?” Merlin asked and looked up at Arthur, squirming to get out of his arms.

“I said, I love you. Never feel like you’re alone. There are people all around you who love you. Me. Gwen. Lance and Leon and Morgana. Gwaine and Percy. All those lovely souls who just adore you.” Arthur told him.

“It’s not the same.” Merlin said and his voice wavered as he was uncertain what he should be feeling at that point.

“No, I’m afraid it’s not. But it doesn’t make it any less special or important.” Arthur told him.

“What if I don’t want to be loved by them? What if I don’t think I’m supposed to have their love? I don’t, Arthur. I’m not someone you can love. I’m not someone who is supposed to be loved. I just… I’m not.”

Arthur’s heart clenched at the words and he shook his head, reaching for Merlin’s hand. “Merlin, please listen to me. We can’t help but love you. We loved you before all this happened- me more than anyone. We’re not going to stop now.” He said kindly but Merlin wasn’t going to have any of it.

Merlin pulled his hand away and stood up quickly to get away, confused and afraid that anything he said would make things worse. “Get away from me Arthur. Stay far away from me. I don’t want you to love me.” He said and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest defensively as if someone was going to try and force him to accept the love Arthur was offering. “I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity, it’s love.” Arthur insisted and looked up Arthur held up his hands and remained seated, trying to show that he wasn’t a threat. “Why not? Why don’t you want me to love you?”

“Because.” Merlin snapped at him.

“That’s no reason.” Arthur said in disbelief.

“Well it’s my reason and I don’t expect you to understand.”

“It’s because you’re afraid of being hurt again. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.” Arthur said his voice sounding more strong and persuasive with every syllable.

“No! No it’s not. And don’t you dare make that promise to me because you can’t!” Merlin shouted, tears pooling in his eyes.

“Who says I can’t? I love you. I will always love you.” Arthur insisted and reached for him again before a glare made him retract his arms.

“You can’t keep me from hurting though. You’ll ju-” Merlin began but Arthur interrupted him.

“One week. Just one week, that’s all I ask.” Arthur said and Merlin’s wall crumbled. He stood there staring at Arthur and his shoulders fell slightly.

“One week. And at the end of that week, if things aren’t working out, I’m going to leave.” He whispered and turned tail to go to his room. Arthur watched and sighed, rubbing his forehead to figure out what he was going to do to make Merlin’s week the most wonderful thing he’d ever experienced. The first thing he’d have to do was take off work.

**~~~**

In the morning Arthur began by making waffles for breakfast and covering them with strawberries and whipped cream and chocolate chips before taking up the plates and carrying them to Merlin’s room. The tray held their plates and a glass of orange juice and some bachelor buttons Arthur had picked up from the florist’s freezer while grocery shopping. He knocked with his elbow and let himself in to see Merlin just rolling over with his bed hair sticking up wildly.

“Good morning. I made breakfast.” He smiled and presented the plate to Merlin as he took a seat beside him. Merlin sat up and looked at the tray in disbelief.

“I didn’t think we had any strawberries.” He commented and cut a bit of the waffle with his fork.

“We didn’t. I went to the store last night and got everything.” Arthur admitted and began eating.

“You just… went grocery shopping so you could make waffles for me and attempt to woo me with flowers?” Merlin asked and hesitantly took a bite of the fluffy waffle, knowing full well Arthur’s track record with cooking. “You did not make this…”

“Yes of course I did!” Arthur said and looked at the food on his plate in puzzlement. “What’s wrong with them?”

“Nothing. That’s why I don’t believe you.”

“Hmm. Well maybe I’m more talented than you know.” Arthur said with a small smile and Merlin chuckled.

“Maybe. Don’t get a big head over it.” He said and ate the waffles with less trepidation, very fond of the fact that Arthur had gone to such lengths to make his morning better than his evening had been.

“Only what’s deserved.” Arthur assured him and swirled some of his waffle in the syrup on his plate. “You’re not going to the office today. Just so you know.”

“But- I have things to do! I didn’t go in just a few days ago…”

“Merlin. Please, you promised a week.”

“I didn’t think you meant every second of every day.” Merlin protested a little cross.

“A week. That leaves you 51 weeks left in a year to do other things.” Arthur said and took Merlin’s plate when he was finished, setting it on the nightstand. “Please let me try.”

Merlin paused and sighed, letting his head rest on Arthur’s shoulder. “Just a week.”

“Just a week. But don’t just sit there! We’ve got things to do.” Arthur said excitedly and Merlin groaned loudly with a small smile on his lips.

**~~~**

Merlin packed his things a week later. It wasn’t Arthur’s fault. It wasn’t his fault. There was no fault to leave anyone to take the blame. There was just the fact that Merlin couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. He wasn’t ready and being with Arthur all the time made them both miserable.

Arthur was a lovely date- considerate, kind, funny, handsome, gentlemanly- everything anyone would want their date to be. There was an endless supply of chocolate and flowers and movie nights with popcorn and Jammy Dodgers. Arthur had worked hard to try and make the week as wonderful as possible, but he just wasn’t Freya; the girl by whom Merlin’s heart had been accidentally ripped to shreds. They went on dates to see films and for romantic walks in the park just to enjoy the coming of spring and the beautiful April weather. They held hands and they kissed once but it felt all wrong to Merlin. He ended up pushing apart from Arthur and they exchanged a look that each of them knew well to mean that things just weren’t working out. It broke Arthur’s heart to see his friend like this, but he respected it and knew that there was nothing more to try. Merlin just wasn’t going to love him.

After loading his things into Will’s car Merlin stood just inside the door of Arthur’s flat and handed him the key. “Thank you for trying.” He said softly and looked away. “I um… I’ll be around.”

“Keep it. You might need it sometime. And… come back, okay? If you ever need anything, come back.” Arthur said sincerely and wrapped Merlin’s fingers around the key.

“Arthur I just wanted you to know this isn’t…”

“Not my fault. Yeah, I got it.” Arthur nodded and they stood there quietly for a moment longer.

“Arthur I…”

“It’s alright, Merlin. Come back if you want to. I just… I want you to be happy.” Arthur said with a tight smile and pulled him into a warm hug before kissing Merlin’s forehead. “Go on. Show the world how brilliant you really are.” Arthur said with a small catch in his voice as Merlin walked out the door. Once he was gone Arthur curled up on the couch watching footie until he fell asleep, wishing it was Merlin he was leaning against instead of a stack of pillows.

**~~~**

Merlin moved into his new flat quickly. Of course it wasn’t very big and it wasn’t nearly as nice as the one he’d shared with Arthur, but it was good enough. It kept Merlin safe and warm and he could cook there, so not much was physically lacking. It would never be home though. Home was with Arthur. Home was in a place where he could be loved, but he’d left home- run away from it actually and it seemed as though there was no going back.

Sure Arthur had invited him to come back and he’d kept the key even, but it just didn’t seem right to go back. Arthur would be expecting something more than just friendship if showed up at his door again and he still couldn’t do that.

Merlin sat and ate his macaroni and cheese and watched the news, then pulled out his laptop and got to work. His boss had been less than pleased with him for taking the week off last a few days past, but when Merlin had returned he’d done a fantastic job on the projects he’d been a part of and his boss forgave the whole thing.

It took a lot to get Merlin to go out these days. He didn’t want to join the lads at a pub and he didn’t want to do anything but work and sleep. Had Arthur seen him, he’d have been concerned about depression, but Arthur didn’t see him. They talked via text only, and even that was an oddity. Merlin’s appetite was practically non-existant, and soon the suit he and Arthur had bought that was tailored to his shape hung off him in a way that made the expensive material look cheap. Not that he wore it much. It was still the off season for Morgana’s events and there was a lot more happening in the accounting division than the PR department.

Merlin took up smoking when he moved into his new flat and his consumption rose as the anniversary of Freya’s death and his would be anniversary drew nearer. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt and the more he tried to run away from it.

**~~~**

The first time Merlin found himself standing over the bathroom sink with blood running down his arm was late April. That was the time Freya’s sister called in tears because the anniversary present she’d planned to give them soon had come back in stock and there was an email alert sent to her by the company.

It hurt that the world didn’t stop and feel his pain, and that pain was only lessened by the slight lightheadedness of watching the life power swirl down the drain.

**~~~**

The second time Merlin found himself standing over the sink was after Lance had found out how much he was smoking and took the cigarettes away. Merlin had stubbornly set out to get another pack and saw a young girl being hauled away in an ambulance after another driver had hit her car. He vomited there on the sidewalk before rushing back to his house and vomiting again. Merlin waited for the bleeding to stop and then took some pills. He didn’t know what they were, just that they would probably help with the pain and he was appreciative when they helped him sleep well into the next morning.

**~~~**

The third time was after Merlin had left a dozen red roses at a place with a small grey headstone with Freya’s name etched onto it. There was no ‘Emrys’. Nothing to tell people after they were all gone that she’d been beautiful and that her sister said her wedding dress (the one Merlin never got to see because Freya had insisted on not seeing one another before the wedding to ward away bad luck) had looked lovely on her. No one would ever know how much she’d meant to him and they wouldn’t know how special her smile was when they read their history books later.

They would have though. Had they gotten married, everyone would have known about all the great things the couple did for people around them. They would have been well aware of the humanitarianism that Freya instilled in others. They would have been taught about how she’d changed the world with her gentle demeanor and her ability to understand people no matter what they were going through.

As it was, none of that happened and Merlin wound up cutting himself too deeply and panicking when he couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. Nothing was working and he had to get help, but he didn’t know who to ask. Lance would have been preferable as he knew the most about first aid and could keep a secret but he was out of town. His mother was already having a hard enough night and he didn’t need to disturb her. Eventually he called Arthur with tears streaming down his face. The phone rang through and went to voicemail once but Merlin didn’t leave a message. He called again and Arthur picked up on the second ring.

“Merlin? Are you alright?”

“No…” he whispered after taking a shaky breath.

“Are you home? Are you hurt?” Arthur asked and there were voices in the back ground that sounded like Uther Pendragon and Morgana and maybe Leon as well.

“I… Arthur I made a mistake. Please come.” Merlin said and Arthur’s footsteps could be heard resounding through the hall as he rushed out of the manor.

“I’m on my way. Stay on the phone with me okay.”

“Okay.” Merlin nodded and wrapped another towel around his arm.

“I’m going to come and get you, alright? If it’s bad we’ll go to hospital.” Arthur told him and Merlin knew better than to argue when Arthur used that tone.

Arthur showed up just a few minutes later and pounded on the door to Merlin’s flat before getting in by wedging a credit card into the lock. “Merlin?” He called and ran toward the bathroom where his friend was curled up and keeping his arm elevated above his heart. “Merlin… God… what have you done to yourself…” He whispered and looked over him. A quick glance told him that Merlin needed to go to hospital. “Come on. We’ll take you to the A&E.” Arthur said and lugged Merlin to his feet before picking him up completely and heading down to his car. Once they were inside Arthur drove at break neck speeds to get Merlin to safety, all the while praying that he’d be alright.

The doctors took Merlin back immediately but Arthur wasn’t allowed to see Merlin until he called. It was one am at that point and Arthur dropped everything to go see him. He knocked on the door gently and walked in to see the silent tears on Merlin’s cheeks.

“I’m so sorry.” He whimpered and reached out for Arthur with the hand on the side that hadn’t been stitched.

“I know. It’s been a hard day. I should have been there for you.” Arthur whispered and caressed Merlin’s hand gently.

“It’s not your job to watch over me.” Merlin protested tiredly.

“It’s my job to make sure I’m a good friend though. And we knew today would be hard.” He said, hating himself for letting his father bully him into a family dinner, even if he had planned on going to Merlin’s place just after the main course.

“You’re a good friend. The best.” Merlin said softly and closed his eyes.

“Well I’ve got a good example.” Arthur said and gave Merlin’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“Ha. Yeah right…” There was a heavy pause between them and Merlin broke it eventually. “I should have told you a long time ago.”

“I’m just glad you’re telling me now.”

“I think…. I think I might need help.” Merlin whispered, ashamed.

“Hey, look at me. Look at me, okay?” Arthur said and cupped Merlin’s jaw as the blue eyes flicked up at him. “I love you. I will always love you. If you need help, that’s fine. It’s a big step to recognize it and I’m proud of you for that.”

“I’m broken, Arthur. Don’t be proud of me.”

“No. No you’re not. You’re learning to get everything back together. You’re just…. I dunno. Disorganized. And since when has that been new, hmm? You’re a very messy flatmate, you know that?” Arthur teased and was rewarded with a small smile on Merlin’s lips.

“Yeah well… you’re a prat.”

“Better a prat than a clotpole.” Arthur allowed and nudged his friend gently. “You’re going to be just fine. I know some people who know some people. We’ll get everything straightened out, alright? I promise.” He said and Merlin nodded.

They waited together for the doctor to dismiss them and while Merlin finished up the paperwork Arthur stood by patiently in quiet support for his friend. As they left the building Arthur walked close to Merlin, protecting him from everything else.

“Alright then?”

“Alright.” Merlin nodded and smiled as Arthur opened the car door for him.

“Where to then?” Arthur asked as he climbed into his car and buckled his seatbelt.

“Home.” Merlin said and Arthur put the car into gear. “But we need to stop off at the other flat first.”

Arthur looked over at Merlin with a small smile. “I think we can do that.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want to be in the way or anything.” Merlin said worriedly.

Arthur grinned and nodded, more than willing to give up his bed to let Merlin have a nice place to sleep until they could get his back. Not to mention the couch wasn’t that bad. “Of course it is, _Mer_ lin. I love you, idiot.”

 


	5. Roses for Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, things are looking up for Merlin and Arthur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with this though my many delays. Between having to start all over and dealing with classes, this has been more work than I anticipated, and it may still get some editing later on, but thank you all so much for your dedication and support. I guess this is like your Christmas present (and mine too). Enjoy and feel free to leave comments, kudos, ect.

Merlin’s arrival back home had been under scary circumstances to say the least. After their trip to the hospital, Arthur was careful with him, treating him like a fragile flower or a bird with a broken wing. He fell asleep in a chair by Merlin’s old bed that first night, but within the week they were back to sharing. Timidly of course, and there wasn’t much in the way of sex, but Arthur was okay with that. He was willing to wait for Merlin and give him as much time as he might need. They went through rough patches and had good days. Merlin made contact with his support group again and took fewer hours at work. He spent more time making lists of things he loved about his and Arthur’s relationship and less time listing things he didn’t like about himself. Arthur would find the lists and write complimentary ones, putting  a magnet on it beside the fridge so Merlin could see the little words of encouragement.

 

> **Things I like about Me**                               **Things I like about Merlin**
> 
> Arthur loves me.                                               Indeed, he does.
> 
> My hair has a nice texture.                              It looks great in the mornings.
> 
> I’m a hard worker.                                           As any good Hufflepuff should be.
> 
> I try my best.                                                    And you always do a spectacular job.
> 
> Sometimes, things are hard,                          You have no idea how proud I am of you.
> 
> but I’ve stopped letting them
> 
> get to me.

 

Finally things were starting to look up for Merlin. It had taken a long time and a lot of hard work. There had been days where he wanted to die, days where he wanted to cry, and days where his only consolation was that Arthur could hold him again tomorrow if he could just make it through the day. And he did. And he triumphed over his depression eventually. Everyone said it was remarkable, but Merlin just said it was the way things needed to be.

Arthur had worked hard right alongside Merlin to make what they had. He’d been patient, letting Merlin get used to the flat again, then offering to take him on casual dates. He left poetry for Merlin though he wasn’t particularly fond of it himself, he’d taken special pains to find something Merlin might like. His favourite had been “The Hug” by Thom Gunn.

 

> It was your birthday, we had drunk and dined
> 
> Half of the night with our old friend
> 
> Who'd showed us in the end
> 
> To a bed I reached in one drunk stride.
> 
> Already I lay snug,
> 
> And drowsy with the wine dozed on one side.
> 
> I dozed, I slept. My sleep broke on a hug,
> 
> Suddenly, from behind,
> 
> In which the full lengths of our bodies pressed:
> 
> Your instep to my heel,
> 
> My shoulder-blades against your chest.
> 
> It was not sex, but I could feel
> 
> The whole strength of your body set,
> 
> Or braced, to mine, And locking me to you
> 
> As if we were still twenty-two
> 
> When our grand passion had not yet
> 
> Become familial. My quick sleep had deleted all
> 
> Of intervening time and place. I only knew
> 
> The stay of your secure firm dry embrace.

 

He’d enjoyed the days they spent together and when Merlin was the first to use the ‘boyfriend’ label, Arthur was delighted. Arthur’s favourite day was the one when Merlin had said “I love you.” He knew it meant so much more coming from Merlin than it would have from anyone else. Merlin’s words were his power. He didn’t have wealth or fame. He was just becoming well known to the people around them involved in charity work. Merlin’s words were his greatest gift and Arthur was sure to treasure them.

“I love you.” Merlin had said quietly after Arthur had pulled him into his lap. No kissing. No trying to get anything out of it. Just holding Merlin close to him and being there.

“I love you too.” Arthur replied immediately.

“You don’t understand. I love you.” Merlin said, a little more firmly than before, as if he were no longer trying to convince himself.

Arthur paused for a moment and placed a kiss to the top of Merlin’s hair. “Yeah I do. And I love you too.” He whispered and the sat quietly watching as a BBC programme filled the air in the flat, neither of them paying any attention to it. Merlin was listing to Arthur’s heartbeat and Arthur was reading Merlin’s body language, deciphering it like a book written in code. They fell asleep that night wrapped up in blankets on the couch and when Merlin awoke, Arthur had made pancakes with strawberries and chocolate and whipped cream.

Now, months had gone by and the warm summer air was leaving room for autumn to make an appearance and Merlin began to wear the scarf that Arthur always teased him about when they went for walks in the park. Merlin began ordering pumpkin lattes and Arthur left little notes for him around the flat, telling him he was beautiful or ‘a force to be reckoned with’ and even that one day, he’d marry him. They were just little things, a note written in the steam on the mirror after Arthur’s shower. A few words scribbled on the back of a receipt and left for Merlin to find. Roses and snapdragons and wildflowers littered the flat on a weekly basis and Arthur was starting to spend a great deal of time writing love letters. Everything was getting better.

After a long day at work, Arthur checked the post and found two matching envelopes, one addressed to himself and the other addressed to Merlin. “Here. Open this.” He said and tossed the letters to Merlin where he sat on the couch.

“What is it?”

“It’s a letter. What’s it look like?” Arthur said teasingly and Merlin muttered something and rolled his eyes. He opened the envelope and read, then his mouth fell open.

“What!?” he gasped and read it again, the turned and glared at Arthur. “You knew! And you didn’t tell me!” he accused and Arthur shrugged.

“Guilty as charged.” He said and moved to the couch as Merlin pulled out his phone, dialing Morgana’s number.

“Hello?”

“Morgana, you witch. You didn’t tell me! How much have you figured out? How long has this been coming?”

Morgana laughed and the smile was evident when she spoke. “Oh, it’s been a while.”

“Well… Do you need help with anything? You know my mum would love to help. And me and Arthur too.”

“If you’ll just come to the party, that would mean the world to me.” Morgana said and Merlin smiled brightly.

“Of course we’ll be there. Wouldn’t miss it for the world!” Merlin said excitedly and Arthur chuckled and wrapped an arm around him. “Do you need us to bring anything?” he asked and both Pendragons laughed.

“Just your smile, Merlin.” Morgana told him and they chatted a few minutes more before Morgana had another call she needed to take. Merlin hung up and he punched Arthur lightly on the shoulder.

“She’s engaged and you didn’t tell me!”

“She wanted to let you have an invitation. Besides, it wasn’t my news to share.” Arthur said with a shrug.  “So? Do I get to be your plus one?” he asked and hoped Merlin would agree. Of course he had his own invitation, but it was still funny and he wanted Merlin to send his RSVP with a plus one while he himself declined.

“Oh no. I was thinking of taking someone else.” Merlin said sarcastically and rolled his eyes. “Of course we’re going together. But just know, I’m probably going to need you to hold me closer than usual when we get home.” He said, feeling a twinge of hurt that Freya wasn’t there. It faded though eventually and Arthur was watching him intently. “What?”

“Nothing. I just really love you a lot.” Arthur said and kissed him softly.

 

~~~

 

When the evening of Morgana’s engagement party was to be held, Merlin put on his best suit and realized it still hung off his shoulders a little sloppily. It looked far better than it had a month ago, but there was still something to be wanted when he wore it. Perhaps if he wasn’t quite filling it out he’d get this one altered and tailored again to fit better. Merlin took a final look at himself in the mirror and shrugged, fixing his bowtie. He emerged from the bedroom and Arthur stared at him, eyes dark and wanting.

“You look divine.”  He whispered and Merlin blushed, rolling his eyes and taking Arthur’s arm as it was offered. Arthur kept his eyes on Merlin for a few minutes, drinking him in and then taking a step so they could get going.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” He commented back and they walked together to Arthur’s car- a silver Aston Martin One- 77.  Arthur opened the passenger door for Merlin and then went around to drive, smiling as the engine roared to life. Arthur drove them to the old family manor where the dinner was being held and they parked around back so that no one would announce their coming. A surprise for the new couple or something as Arthur called it. Arthur pulled Merlin through the grand halls of the manor and up the stairs to the ballroom where Morgana and Leon were greeting guests. Merlin was the one pulling Arthur along as soon as he spotted his friends and let go of his boyfriend completely

“Morgana! Leon! I’m so happy for you.” He said and hugged them both tightly.

“Merlin! We’re so glad you could come, even if you did feel obligated to drag my brother along with you.” Morgana teased and hugged Merlin again. “You look rather dashing in your suit.” She said and he laughed.

“Easy there. If I weren’t gay and you weren’t engaged, I might think you were flirting with me.” He said and the four of them laughed again. Arthur in particular was happy to see Merlin responding so well to the engagement party. He knew it must be hard, but he was proud of Merlin for not letting it show.

Everyone was happy and full of smiles, wishing the new couple the very best. Morgana had insisted that they spend the evening close by, so once all the guests had arrived, they moved to the dining room where Merlin and Arthur had been seated just across from Morgana and Leon.

The Pendragon household had never been one to skimp out on food. There was soup and salad and a main course with delicious pasta. There were three kinds of dessert and between Merlin and Arthur they tried them all. The table was a lively place, people making champagne toasts to the new couple and telling happy stories. They ate and laughed and Uther gave a speech about what a great man Leon was and how he’d better treat his daughter right. The guests all knew it was for show though. Leon had practically been family for years even before he began dating Morgana.

The last round of dessert was finished later and guests returned to the ballroom where classical music was playing in the background. Uther had insisted that since this party was just as much for old family friends and business partners, they would play more widely accepted music here, and Morgana and Leon’s selections at the party after the wedding itself. People were still dancing though it was mostly older couples and Merlin didn’t miss the glint in Arthur’s eyes.

“What are you thinking about?”

“How nice it would be told hold you in my arms and dance with you.” Arthur replied.

“How nice would that be?” Merlin asked with a grin.

“Hmmm. Let’s find out, shall we? May I have this dance?” he asked and offered his hand, pulling Merlin out onto the dance floor and leading him in a waltz. Merlin moved so well across the floor, gliding and spinning, following Arthur’s lead perfectly and right outside onto the balcony and out of the way of the guests. Arthur closed the doors to the ballroom and pulled Merlin into his arms, kissing him softly.

“That was a lovely dance, thank you very much.” He grinned and kissed back softly. “So. Morgana and Leon. They’re going to make a great couple.” He said and Arthur nodded, holding him close.

“I think it’s been coming for a while. Leon told me ages ago he was going to marry her and now it looks like he will.”

“She’ll be a beautiful bride.” Merlin said, looking out over the fountain and the gardens as Arthur pressed gentle kisses to the back of his neck, just under his hairline.

“Not as beautiful as you would be walking down the aisle.” Arthur assured him and Merlin laughed.

“As if. I’m _not_ walking down an aisle.” Merlin said and Arthur laughed as well. They stood for a few moments and another song could be heard starting up in the ballroom after the clapping died down. Arthur pulled away a little and was quiet, speaking softly.

“Hey Merlin?”

“Yeah?”

“Turn around.” Arthur told him gently and smiled as Merlin’s mouth fell open. He stared at Arthur who had knelt down on one knee and was holding out a small velvet box. “I love you, so much. I’ve seen how amazing you are and how determined you are, and I know I don’t want to have to live without that in my life. If you… Would you please do me the honour of marrying me and being by my side every day for the rest of our lives?” he whispered and hoped that this wasn’t too much too soon.

“Arthur…” Merlin whispered and covered his mouth, trying to keep the tears from spilling out. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I am.” Arthur said, a little surprised it hadn’t been a simple ‘yes’.

Merlin grinned and held out his hand, nodding and wiping at his eyes. “Yes. I’ll marry you, idiot. I love you.”

 

~~~

 

Arthur had suggested that Merlin walk down the asile, but he wasn’t going to have everyone thinking Arthur wore than pants in the family, so instead they walked in from opposite sides and met in the middle of the small rose arbor, holding hands and smiling adoringly at one another.

The officiate was rather appropriately Leon, their best friend outside one another. Their engagement had lasted quite a while as Morgana and Leon’s took nearly 11 months for the wedding to be planned and all the details smoothed over. Merlin and Arthur let them have their time in the spotlight before beginning to plan the small wedding to join their lives together.

Of course they had to schedule around all the events Merlin was helping Morgana plan. He’d taken a job as her right hand man so to speak, being in a more official capacity and networking well enough to make their charity work blow anyone who wanted to criticize Pendragon Consulting out of the water.  Merlin and Arthur both had special tuxes made for the occasion, wanting to look their very best for one another, even if it was just a summer wedding in a field by the manor.

“You look divine.” Arthur mouthed and Merlin blushed before turning his attention to Leon.

They went through the ceremony, repeating words in parts and listening to Leon tell their guests about just how important their union was. Merlin couldn’t help smiling as their rings were produced from the pockets of the best man, waiting on either side of the grooms. Merlin spoke first, his vows to protect, honour, cherish, and love before slipping the ring onto Arthur’s hand.

“I promise, to love, support, honour, and cherish you, my husband from this day forward, and through the rest of our lives. I promise to care, comfort, and protect, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Arthur said, repeating the words after Leon. “With this ring, I thee wed.” he said quietly and slipped the golden band onto Merlin’s finger.

“Merlin and Arthur,” Leon began and they looked at him with wide smiles. “You have joined your hearts together though matrimony this day in the witness of these people. May you ever love and trust one another and find the happiest days are still ahead. You may now kiss the groom.”

Arthur looked deep into Merlin’s eyes and found nothing but pure joy then kissed him softly, gaining a few cheers from their jubilant guests.

Leon smiled as they kissed and then spoke loudly when they pulled apart, holding hands and looking at one another adoringly. “I present to you, Misters Arthur and Merlin Pendragon.”

 


End file.
